Tapping into your younger self

Screen Shot 2019-09-15 at 19.38.58.pngIsn’t it funny how sometimes you can just sit and write and write and write.

How sometimes writing just feels well right?

I’ve always written even as a little kid. I remember writing stories. I remember thinking I’ll be an author and everyone will love my stories. Now while I am unsure you lot love these and this story isn’t one I’ve made up. I am publishing my own story. Which younger me is pretty buzzing about.

They say that if you’re ever lost or stuck then you should think back to what you did as a kid in your past time. For me it was teaching and collecting. Which is weird when a huge goal of mine is to educate people and I’m also a producer by day. I used to transform our spare room into my class room and teach my imaginary pupils and as a I grew older I started collecting every fashion magazine and making my own trend books.

It helps looking back at what I did when I was younger. What I got lost in. If i’m ever stuck I sometimes sit and think what would younger Chlo do right now?

To be honest I was probably making up some other imagine game. A top favourite of mine was playing horses where I’d transform our field into the most incredible riding stables and spend hours teaching imagine children to ride. Here I am educating and creating.

I have the weirdest imagination and this is why writing helps. It’s probably why I got so much into spirituality too. My head is strange and im finally learning how I express that.

Anyway, back to what we did as kids.

Whenever i’m stuck I look back and think what would younger Chlo do?

When we are kids we don’t even think, we just do what feels good. As we grow older society tryings to tell us what we should and shouldn’t be doing. Maturity stops us in our tracks. Our environment shapes our thoughts.

As a kid we just did what feels right to us. We just went with our own mind and thats what I believe we should get back to doing more of.

What do we enjoy doing? Where can find joy? Where can we laugh, get in our own heads more and just enjoying being.

It takes quite a bit of diving deep into our heads but it’s amazing to do so.

So let me ask you this – what did the younger version of you do? Do you still do some of that or are you stuck in the maturity cycle?

Why do we focus on what we don’t know???

Screen Shot 2019-09-15 at 19.12.12.pngDo you know how hard it is to write while holding a dog that follows his nose everywhere and has the need to be 10 metres further up the road 10 minutes ago?

If you don’t, well it’s hard.

Sometimes I open up my phone and have no idea what I’m going to say. All I know is that I have something to say. It feels right.

Isn’t it strange how we focus a lot of our attention on what we don’t know? Have you even noticed that we do that?

When’s next promotion? Next boyfriend? Next car? Meal?

We focus on what sally thinks of us? What susie is doing next? What we are next going to need money for?

What’s next for us? What’s happening tomorrow? Omg you get my point.

We get so caught up in what’s next and quite frankly what we can’t control and what we don’t know that we miss the beauty around us now.

Today I woke up in a funk. Everything in life is great but something, today, left me feeling out of sorts.

A walk is where I sort myself out, so off I go.

Being so focused on what you don’t know, blurs the beauty of what we do know – (Hodgkinson, C – 2019)

Changes and uncertainty help us grow. Letting our past go helps us welcome new miracles. Living with uncertainty leaves us vulnerable. Vulnerability is power.

I have no idea. Absolutely none, about my bigger picture. The control freak in me is FREAKING out. She wants to plan, know the answer, see the future, know the next step.

But I don’t know it.

And rather than just trusting the universe I’m trying to control the things that I simple don’t know. Leaving me feeling lost, withdrawn and exhausted.

Focusing on what I don’t know has blurred the beauty in what I do know.

This realisation has allowed me to breathe into being present. Dig deep into gratitude and simply restore my trust in the universe.

You don’t always have to know your next step, but one thing I do know is that the universe very much has our backs.

We are exactly where we are meant to be xx

I don’t know who needs to hear this but…

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On bank holiday I went out 2 nights in a row. The Sunday I drank 2 bottles of Prosecco then went home and ate 16 digestives in my bed. I woke up surrounded in crumbs.

Sometimes I can be an unsociable hermit all week. My hormones can be everywhere and time by myself is all I want. I decline any invites and hide from people.

I sometimes feel stuck. Sometimes I get stuck on the progress ladder. Wanting more and desperate for more. A little grounding and gratitude normally helps me get off.

I still deal with emotions I thought I was over. Turns out they were just buried. That ex you thought you were done crying over? Yeah maybe not. It’s normal to feel like this.

I procrastinate because I suffer from imposters syndrome. I procrastinate because I sometimes don’t feel good enough. So I avoid doing things so I don’t get caught out or so I don’t have to fail. My stepdad has drilled it into me the importance of failure for growth but that sometimes doesn’t make it any easier.

Im not always happy. I burn myself out, I don’t always listen to my body. I get angry, I get IBS, I get sad and lock myself away.

I struggle to let people in. I struggle to get attached. I struggle to show emotion.

Not having my period has effected my mental health in so so many ways. More ways than you could imagine.

At times I feel out of control so I try to control my food to give me a sense of control again. I sometimes can’t fight these past patterns.

You always see my highlight reel. We all do on social media. I still wake up everyday able to find something I’m grateful for, I wake up everyday with a purpose, I wake up everyday loving life. But that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle sometimes. It doesn’t mean everyday is a great day or an easy ride.

Life is meant to chuck us curveballs as signs to get us back on the right path. Life will always be challenging.

But one thing I will always always believe is that the universe fully has my back. In the words of our mate Bob, every little thing will be alright.

 

Love to you all, always xxx

I’ll be happy when…

peter-lloyd-z2AvphP--S0-unsplashThey say successful people are the ones that continue to show up. They say the happiest are the ones that live with fulfilment. 

What if you don’t know what fulfills you? What if we are constantly climbing the ladder? I’ll be happy when…. 

I’ll be happy when I’m skinny, when I’ve got through this project, when I’ve moved house, when I have a pay rise, when my boss likes me, when he falls in love with me. 

I like to think I’m pretty honest with you guys. I’ve always chased better, I’ve always chased happier.

I’ve suffered from ammenorhea for nearly 2 years now. I’m recovered now, this month I’ll have my period. I’m healthy now. I’m just waiting for it to come. But for so so many months the words ‘I’ll sort myself out after…’ we’re words that were constantly coming out of my mouth. 

I was burnt out, trying to always do more in order to find happiness. Trying to do more to be the healthiest, to be perfect. Nothing was ever quite enough… and if I thought it was for 2 seconds well then I’d push the boundaries some more. 

‘Give me 2 more weeks and I’ll sort myself out’

What even is sorting myself out? All I needed to do was stop for a second and look at what I had around me. I was actually able to be happy now, not then but I was so not present that it was impossible to see. 

I don’t regret anything in my life. Each experience shaped me now, developed me as a person. Good or bad choices, they’ve shaped my morals, my values and current story. 

What I am aware of now though is I visit places I’d been too before and noticed things I had no idea about. I knew I’d been there but didn’t remember a thing.

A while a go I visited Dartmouth with family, we got fish and chips. I knew me and my ex boyfriend went here when we were 18 once but I barely remembered it… I only remember thinking ‘I went gym straight after to burn them off’… madness. 

I missed out of enjoying company, having a laugh, new experiences because I was so focused on ‘becoming happy’ that I had no idea that actually happiness is found now. Happiness wasn’t going to be found when I was skinny, happiness was there in front of me I just couldn’t see it. 

I think that’s why I make such a big deal out of the small things now. Why gratitude is so important to me, why noticing and reflecting on the good things in everyday is so important. 

It’s mad when you actually stay focused on being present. It’s mad how much more of life you see, the relationships you build and the enjoyment you fill. 

Whenever you can, I urge you to stop at one point in your day and just notice something you’ve enjoyed today. Take some breathes and  ground yourself, look around you and realise that whatever journey you’re on you’re allowed to be happy now. 

You can find happiness and still want to grow. 

Love ya xxxx