I’ve got an urge to write but somethings stopping me so here I am writing on my walk no entirely sure where this is going to go. But I also know that when I’m in the unknown that’s when the best things happen.
I’ve done it again, don’t worry the bounce back rate is getting even better, but I’ve done it again. We can joke that about 3 people have said to me ‘Chlo you’re the only person in lock down that manages to still burn themselves out’.
I’ve gone days barely eating, just working. I’ve had days where I’ve just gone ‘fuck this im going bed’ at 6:30pm. Lost myself in an audiobook and realise I’ve smashed 16,000 steps… oops best go home.
I’m now telling myself that my body is healthy enough to keep up with the pace of my brain.
I’m obsessive & addictive. I get something in my head and I won’t just do it. ILL DO IT. And It’s actually a trait that I love about myself. But my body not so much…
I know when I’m burning myself out when my shadow self creeps in. Your shadow self is the part of yourself that you try to hide.
I push away loved ones, I think about things that I don’t have rather than focusing on what I do, I feel anxious so mask that by not eating, i get competitive, I shut away any feelings & I escape by walking or yoga but eventually the burn out catches up on me.
I’m very proud of how far I’ve come in the self acceptance, confidence and being ok with myself but also very aware of how many layers onions have.
I work through one massive thing & 3 more things appear. It’s normal. It kinda excites me a bit. I know that once I’ve worked through this layer my life gets even better and let me tell you, I bloody love life as it is. So imagine the joy on the other side!?
I’ve learnt to ride the waves of emotions. I saw this one coming last week when I started to feel a little uncomfortable when I was sat at my desk, I thought to myself … oh god here’s a big wave coming. The wave peaked yesterday and today it’s approaching the shore.
If I’ve lost you. The wave incoming represents the emotions you’re needing to deal that can be brought up around new moons (tomorrow), full moons or times like this. This may show up in arguments or feelings of resentment and difficulty of showing gratitude – for me it’s an inner urge to lock myself away, ignore texts & instead of daydreaming and getting excited I start to daydream to remind myself what I don’t have.
Self awareness is where you can see the wave coming and you prepare for it. You’re like ‘oh fuck, ok let’s go’
The peak of the wave is where is all comes out, you let go and allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. You allow your subconscious to shine a light on areas that arent fulfilling you. You ride this wave. You ride the emotions, you let them surface and just go with it.
As the wave comes down you’re letting it go. You’re not fighting against it but you’re riding it rather than being swallowed by it. As you approach the shore you’re full of forgiveness, you’re letting it go, you’re going towards the shore of least resistance, fulfilment & your new life.
You’ve done it. You’ve worked through it. There were probably times on the wave that you didn’t think you’d make it to the end of the wave and it would suck you back up. But self awareness, going inwards and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable will so be worth it.
If you stumble, Miss the wave, don’t worry. There’ll be plenty more to come. Look at the wave and see how you could have approached it differently.
Forgive yourself & others. Be aware of yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Embrace the waves. Tides come and go, thanks to the moon – so you may notice your emotions and tides come and go around the moon too. Full and New moons tend to bring up emotions that can make us feel nuts…. ride them.
And when this lockdown is over, let’s all go surfing together to celebrate all those crazy ones we’ve dealt with at home xxx