On bank holiday I went out 2 nights in a row. The Sunday I drank 2 bottles of Prosecco then went home and ate 16 digestives in my bed. I woke up surrounded in crumbs.
Sometimes I can be an unsociable hermit all week. My hormones can be everywhere and time by myself is all I want. I decline any invites and hide from people.
I sometimes feel stuck. Sometimes I get stuck on the progress ladder. Wanting more and desperate for more. A little grounding and gratitude normally helps me get off.
I still deal with emotions I thought I was over. Turns out they were just buried. That ex you thought you were done crying over? Yeah maybe not. It’s normal to feel like this.
I procrastinate because I suffer from imposters syndrome. I procrastinate because I sometimes don’t feel good enough. So I avoid doing things so I don’t get caught out or so I don’t have to fail. My stepdad has drilled it into me the importance of failure for growth but that sometimes doesn’t make it any easier.
Im not always happy. I burn myself out, I don’t always listen to my body. I get angry, I get IBS, I get sad and lock myself away.
I struggle to let people in. I struggle to get attached. I struggle to show emotion.
Not having my period has effected my mental health in so so many ways. More ways than you could imagine.
At times I feel out of control so I try to control my food to give me a sense of control again. I sometimes can’t fight these past patterns.
You always see my highlight reel. We all do on social media. I still wake up everyday able to find something I’m grateful for, I wake up everyday with a purpose, I wake up everyday loving life. But that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle sometimes. It doesn’t mean everyday is a great day or an easy ride.
Life is meant to chuck us curveballs as signs to get us back on the right path. Life will always be challenging.
But one thing I will always always believe is that the universe fully has my back. In the words of our mate Bob, every little thing will be alright.
They say successful people are the ones that continue to show up. They say the happiest are the ones that live with fulfilment.
What if you don’t know what fulfills you? What if we are constantly climbing the ladder? I’ll be happy when….
I’ll be happy when I’m skinny, when I’ve got through this project, when I’ve moved house, when I have a pay rise, when my boss likes me, when he falls in love with me.
I like to think I’m pretty honest with you guys. I’ve always chased better, I’ve always chased happier.
I’ve suffered from ammenorhea for nearly 2 years now. I’m recovered now, this month I’ll have my period. I’m healthy now. I’m just waiting for it to come. But for so so many months the words ‘I’ll sort myself out after…’ we’re words that were constantly coming out of my mouth.
I was burnt out, trying to always do more in order to find happiness. Trying to do more to be the healthiest, to be perfect. Nothing was ever quite enough… and if I thought it was for 2 seconds well then I’d push the boundaries some more.
‘Give me 2 more weeks and I’ll sort myself out’
What even is sorting myself out? All I needed to do was stop for a second and look at what I had around me. I was actually able to be happy now, not then but I was so not present that it was impossible to see.
I don’t regret anything in my life. Each experience shaped me now, developed me as a person. Good or bad choices, they’ve shaped my morals, my values and current story.
What I am aware of now though is I visit places I’d been too before and noticed things I had no idea about. I knew I’d been there but didn’t remember a thing.
A while a go I visited Dartmouth with family, we got fish and chips. I knew me and my ex boyfriend went here when we were 18 once but I barely remembered it… I only remember thinking ‘I went gym straight after to burn them off’… madness.
I missed out of enjoying company, having a laugh, new experiences because I was so focused on ‘becoming happy’ that I had no idea that actually happiness is found now. Happiness wasn’t going to be found when I was skinny, happiness was there in front of me I just couldn’t see it.
I think that’s why I make such a big deal out of the small things now. Why gratitude is so important to me, why noticing and reflecting on the good things in everyday is so important.
It’s mad when you actually stay focused on being present. It’s mad how much more of life you see, the relationships you build and the enjoyment you fill.
Whenever you can, I urge you to stop at one point in your day and just notice something you’ve enjoyed today. Take some breathes andground yourself, look around you and realise that whatever journey you’re on you’re allowed to be happy now.
Tony Robbins introduces me to this theory. The theory that as humans we seek pleasure and avoid pain. That’s basically how we make decisions.
Would you like to go pub?
At the moment your brain will associate pub with either pain or pleasure and that’s how you’ll decide what to do.
Getting up for 6am gym when it’s cold, dark and rainy?
Is the pain getting out of bed when your bed is so comforting and warm greater than the pleasure you’ll experience from going to the gym?
You make that decision. Have a think about it, it’s in everything we do. Stomach growls giving us pain so eat to avoid the pain of hungry and we will eat something tasty to seek the pleasure.
Understanding this theory has done wonders for me when it comes to making decisions and is one I’d really encourage you to think about.
When setting goals Try this:
acknowledging change needs to be made. The first step is acknowledgement. You’ve noticed something that needs to change. This might be that you’re overweight or you’re really unfit.
Set your goals. You’ve acknowledged your overweight so you set a goal to loose weight. I’d recommend you then break down your ultimate goal into more specific and measurable goals… see manifesting post. This could be loose 1 stone by the time I go on holiday.
Find your why. Having a purpose to achieve this goal and a why really helps cement you’re goal in an emotional way. To loose 1 stone by the time you go on holiday. Why? Because then I feel good in a bikini and not want to cover up so can get a nice tan and feel happy sitting around the pool just like every other holiday. You’re going to want to remember your why when things get hard.
Set a plan. You may reach out to a PT, start a programme or start eating healthier and moving more. Each day from now on you’ll be faced with the pain and pleasure theory when it comes to working towards your goals.
You’re at a party, you’ve enjoyed one bit of cake because the pain of saying no when it’s your favourite every cake is greater than if you were to allow yourself a small piece and enjoy every moment. You’re offered a second piece – here comes the decision, remember your why. Is the pain of saying no to the second bit greater than the pain you’ll feel if you don’t feel comfortable and happy on holiday?
Tony explains that we are more likely to avoid pain than seek pleasure. For example, if you’re eating the yummiest food in the world but suddenly someone comes in threatening to kill you unless you stop eating it. No matter how delicious that cake was, dying is more painful… dramatic example but I think you get it.
I use this theory to help me make more conscious decisions. Help keep me accountable and help make decisions that are aligned with me and my goals.
I use the why part to help remind me and to make an emotional connection to my goal.
I use goals to help have a purpose.
I love having a purpose so my life stays interesting and fulfilled.
If you have then you might be finding yourself here because you want some more info on what I meant.
Be Clear on what you want.
Ha this is a fun one. Partly because when I say be clear, I really bloody mean it. I’ve always found manifesting my desires quite easy. more so since I’ve become more self-aware and a bit more into this spiritual fun.
When I say that what you say and what you think will manifest I’m not lying and that’s why you have to be super clear.
I’ve manifested things into existence that I definitely said and thought but didn’t mean too…. or well I did but I wasn’t clear enough.
One day I’ll share my experiences but right now I’m not in a place to share my big ones because they include other people and that’s unfair. But an example could be manifesting a new car… you get a new car and it’s not what you wanted, you wanted a VW golf but never asked for one so all you found were Honda’s.
Get clear on exactly what you want and if you’re not 100% explore your desires.
For me right now, I want success, happiness and to be able to love and receive in an abundance of ways. I’ve noticed that my lack of menstrual cycle when all my hormones are fine could be linked with my lack of being open to being loved. So instead of manifesting my period, I’m manifesting the feelings and lifestyle of who I’d be if I had a regular mensural cycle.
Set Your Goal
So you know what you want. Now time to ask for it. I journal my goals and desires and create vision boards or write stories about my dream life.
My ultimate goal is to get my period back ultimately so I’ll set mini goals to get me there.
When writing goals make them measurable and achievable. For me, this would look something like:
keep my stress levels low by having baths, breathing and yoga.
Eat enough calories and carbs by having 3 large meals a day and always eating to satisfaction.
Only train in the gym for a skill and enjoyment. Follow Adonis’ plan and keep up gymnastics. This stops any more stress and reduces chances of over exercising.
Visualise it & Acting as if
How would the you that’s achieved your manifestation live? How would you act, how would you feel? What would you do?
Work out how someone who already has what you want acts and actively take part in the activities that they do.
For me, I’d have to each month buy sanitary products. I’d be relaxed and be conscious of what time of the month it is. I’d have a sense of overall well-being, In my eyes I’d be oozing health. So that’s exactly what I’m going to act like. I no longer act as someone in recovery of amenorrhea but I speak as if I have a period, as if I’m fertile and visualise myself a MILF when I’m older, walking with my pram along the sea front and dressing the little legends in the best outfits.
Be really Grateful
It’s amazing to want to grow and change. It’s good to want to develop who you are and want more from life but and id say this is the biggest one you have to be grateful for what you already have.
I’m mega grateful that my lack of period made me realise how much I want to be a mum (MILF) one day. I’m so grateful that it’s made me educate myself on the importance of a cycle and fuelling your body. I’m grateful I have the ability to make changes, I’m grateful for the ability to tell my story and journey, I’m grateful to still have be alive. I’m grateful for so many other things in my life.
Finding reasons to still be grateful in hard times is crucial to manifesting. Like attracts like so give gratitude and happiness and you’ll receive even more.
I didn’t mention this on my video. But this is a step to include. Once you’ve asked for something go out and give more of yourself to others. The cycle of giving and receiving is so lovely. So in order to receive, go out and give some more.
Don’t stress about it
The more you actively stress and obsess about a situation the more it won’t happen. Let it go, breathe through and trust the world has your back on this. I bet that when you’re least expecting it it will happen.
Work for It
While I’ve asked you to not stress about it you still have to actively work for it.
If you want the pay rise then don’t sit and just moan. Show up and show your employer you deserve that pay rise. The people who are on more than you, what do they do? (Refer back to step of acting as if)
Work on the goals you’ve set yourself. For me continuing the lifestyle of high stress wasn’t going to bring my period back. I’m going to need to actively work on my emotional releases, self love and fuelling my body if I’m going to have it back.
You’re exactly where you’re meant to be right now
This is sometimes one that people struggle with. But understanding that where you are right now is exactly where you’re meant to be is key. Knowing that whatever you’ve been through, whatever you’re going through is there an opportunity for growth and to learn.
For me my lack of period is a physical sign that my lifestyle wasn’t working for my body. It was an opportunity for me to make changes that would get me back on the right path and open up to new experiences. Without my amenorrhea I might not have even got into spirituality as a healing practise, I might not even have been able to share this with you guys.
Love your life even in times of shittiness.
Visualise yourself at your goal.
Believe in yourself.
Remember like attracts like. You’ll receive exactly what you give.
I promise you that you everything in you already that’s required to achieve your dream life, we’ve just got to tap into the tools.
I haven’t written like this in ages. I haven’t known what to say. I felt I didn’t actually have a anything to say. Even writing this sentence I still feel like i don’t.
I’m in the mist of imposters syndrome at the moment and after listening to Steven Barlett’s podcast on how if you have imposters syndrome is to simply just start. Just do it. Force yourself to just do it.
So here I am forcing myself. Forcing myself to share my journey because I want to help others. So, I guess it’s probably a good start to start with where i’ve been.
I guess its strange to talk like this because I love writing but I kinda feel like an imposter because i’ve changed so so much from some of these posts from when I first started this website.
I was a fitness addict verging on eating disorder thinking that this way of life was the only way of life that everyone should lead. I judged. I felt I was living the perfect lifestyle but I was actually one of the most unhappiest i’ve been.
I can already feel this bringing up emotions i’ve squashed for a few years. Eeek. But as Brene Brown says there is power in vulnerability and I want to share this kind of stuff in hope it really helps people, because how I feel about myself now is miles from how I used too. I guess I feel like i’m writing a guest post on someone else’s website – it’s definitely time for a refresh.
Anyway, yeah, so I judged. On the outside I looked like I had my shit together. On the inside I was hating my body, I was exhausted, destroying relationships and blaming others for things going wrong.
It’s a really strange feeling when you come out the other side of things isn’t it? It’s really fudging uncomfortable to call yourself out on your own shit.
I blamed everyone else for anything that went wrong. I was exhausted of just about everything. Even when things were going fine i’d self sabotage.
I keep seeing the quote ‘it take a strong person to call themselves out on their own shit’ and while thats what I keep telling myself when you realise some stuff it doesn’t half make you feel like a twat lol.
So let’s go back to being a full time PT. I’d be called miserable, because I was. I’d cause an issue about where to go out to eat or at meals in a bid to try eat the lowest calorie food possible. Trying to hold a normal conversation, even over dinner was near enough impossible because I was already having a full blown row in my own head.
I’d want to do something but could only do it if i’d been to the gym and would need to hit my 10,000 steps.
I’d want to eat what I wanted without allowing myself to eat what I wanted.
I wanted to be able to love but couldn’t let myself even love myself.
I wanted my dream career but didn’t have the energy to show up to put the work in.
I wanted my dream body but was starving the one I had.
I was preaching fitness and health while probably being one of my most unhealthiest.
In a bid to perfect, I was destroying what’s around me.
Some days I couldn’t even bring myself to smile.
I talk a lot about law of attraction and when looking back, law of attraction was playing just how it does. I hated myself, so received more negativity. I was so out of alignment to my true self that I destroying things around me.
All without anyone really noticing. I was good at hiding, good at blaming on other things, had great excuses and let ‘the healthy gym goer’ label take centre stage masking everything else.
I haven’t got to where I’d like to be. I still suffer from amenorrhea (lack of a period) from how I treated my body. I still often over work myself, exhaust myself and under fuel myself. I’m still not 100% of emotions that crop up. But I do look in the mirror and love the body i’m in. I do wake up every morning and do my morning gratitude and affirmations. I do manifest amazing things into my life. I do find a positive in pretty much every situation. I’m motivated and want to do some good in the world. I genuinely wake up every morning excited about life, liking who I am.
So while I might not be where I want to be. I am finally aware of how I used to be.
ahhhh its good to be back. I think these kinda posts are going to be featured more on here. It’s like having a convo with myself but exposing it, in hope that it helps others.
Haha on a plane again.. which means it’s time to write.
I’ve always been a little odd, always fitted in but been the one with some odd tendencies. During primary school in Kent, I always had friends but never had things in common. While everyone played other games I was happy playing horses or teachers. While everyone had a particular group I floated, some days I was playing football with the boys & Elizabeth – in my eyes an extremely cool girl playing with the boys. She was and may still well be a Tom boy and she owned it. I remember getting picked for teams, me and Elizabeth being the only girls and not getting picked last. I collected football stickers & cards but had no idea who the players were unless it was John Terry or Frank Lampard as I used to marry them in my make believe games.
While everyone would go home & play on the trampoline I’d have my mums heels on stood on the side of an empty trampoline while my make believe class played on the trampoline while before long it was time to blow the whistle and call them back into class. My mum let me transform the spare room into my class – I still remember that feeling, walking in with my whiteboard on the wall ready to teach. Cor, honestly I felt like the ultimate boss… my own classroom, my own whiteboard pens. What a dream! HA 🤣🤣
My teachers & my mum have also been my inspiration. I’ve grown up around success and successful women with that – my teachers were mostly all female & my mum the ultimate girl boss.
A single mum who built an incredible life for us all through financial services. My mums got grit, got the grind, got the power. The go get it attitude and I promise you she will go get it. She loves the nice things in life but has always taught me these don’t come easy – you work for them, you make sacrifices, if you want it you’ve got to work for it. She’s such a strong and powerful woman with a hella cackle and light hearted manner, she’s a great party girl and a proper crack. She’s taught me that you work hard and party just as hard.
My Nan was the best student I had – she’s baby sit us while mum was out working and I’d ask her secretly (I’d actually whisper ‘just quickly nan, this isn’t in the game can you get some wrong so I can teach you’) and then I’d go straight back into my role as a teacher 👩🏫 Nan’s Victoria sponge is a childhood memory and so are grandad biscuits – he got diagnosed with diabetes so started only being allowed digestives. My love for those was deep with a cuppa – still is. Nan always loved to play, whether it was shops or teachers. We loved a cuddle and story at bed time, Nan coming round was the best time ever, Nan coming round was comfort & cuddles. Nan coming round meant mum was out hustling.
I’ve always wanted to be successful, just like mum. I’ve always wanted to be mega cool, just like my aunts & step mum. Aunty Claire was the blonde beauty who looked 21 at 31, still does.. while Tracey & my step mum were edgy and cool – still are, I love how they wear funky things and do cool things without their hair and own it. They are away from the mainstream girls and I bloody love it.
My stepmums laid back, adventure attitude who taught me so much about jealousy and just doing what you want to do and owning it. She taught me to embrace being different, to wear your hair crazy & that if people looked at you it wasn’t a bad thing. My step mum taught me about accepting people and choosing the right people. Accepting and embracing all of you, including the quirks. I’ll be forever grateful that she has chosen to have me as a daughter, she didn’t have too but we really are just a mum and daughter as much as her and my half sister is.
My Nanna is the creative one. 3 bridesmaid dresses to be made? No prob. The room where the computer is kept has all her beads and sewing stuff in – I loved loved looking at it all. She also loves teddy bears, like LOVES. I guess I might get my creative edge from her? Looking back I think she taught me more on that whole thing of embracing your individuality and your little quirks.
I guess that’s why I grew up doing everything I loved …I had friends at primary but had too many interests to sit with one group…I was part of the ‘popular’ lot at secondary school but was the one also off doing other things, I was a school governor & did every extra curricular activity ever 🤣🤣
I guess I’ve always been cool by myself. Make believe games meant you were technically just by yourself. Extra curricular activities meant breaking from the crowd. I’ve always been ok with being by myself – & Now I’m still cool with my very few tight friends that sit across the world.
But one thing recently I’ve noticed is all this coolness by myself malarkey means I can take on pressures that could be shared by a team. I’m now part of the best team at FIT, at Pro Direct and often travel with teams – breaking away from adding the pressure so it’s all on me is tough. Remembering it’s not just down to me to make this work could help the stress levels. While I’m a natural lone wolf & happy with it, I’m learning now that greater things can happen when you’re part of a team, when you share your pressures and joys with others, when you distribute the pressure & work together.
The women in my life haven’t got to where they are by simply trumbling through life by themselves. Mum needed Nan to help with the kids, Nan had my grandad for support etc etc
I’m so grateful for all the women in my life who have helped shape me and grow me. As a team they created me, as a team we all worked together to have me sitting on this plane to Cologne for an Under Armour launch event in a dream job at 22. And I’m so grateful to the female bosses on team FIT.
When you think back to your childhood can you spot yourself in the people who are closest to you?
Thank you for making it this far for my ramble, I often write like this when I’m going through like emotional realisation.
For me today – ‘you haven’t got to this stage in your life by yourself, so don’t expect to do everything daily yourself’