Dear Body, I’m Sorry

Dear Body, im sorry.

 

It’s been a few years now, a few years since we’ve been out of the darkest bits… but really about 11 months since I made the decision that enough was enough and you deserved to be put first. 11 months now since I decided that you mattered more than what society told my mind you should be. 11 months now since I started to take back control. 11 months since I guess you can say you’ve been allowed to be the best you. To live, to laugh and to love. But this is the first time I’m saying the words I should have said a while a go… and that’s that I’m sorry. Truly, deeply sorry.

 

I’m sorry for the times that I thought the less I ate the more weight I lost and the better you’d be. I know now that just makes you just go into survival and starvation mode where you will stop all unnecessary cell growth in a bid to keep me alive. I’m sorry that in my constant restricting of calories that you had no choice but to work even harder to keep me alive rather than give me the body I so desperately wished I had when I looked in the mirror. I’m sorry for all the diets that caused me to restrict you from the nutrients you need – You know, the no fat, no sugar, no carbs.. that cabbage soup one when i was 17?

 

Remember throughout my 1st year at uni and my time at uni?

I had you on 3 eggs, chicken and a handful of spinach.. you were allowed 10 raisins and 10 almonds before the gym and chicken and veg for dinner. Endless amounts of black coffee, you were on 4/5 Americanos and you were allowed 2 naps a day. Only now do I know that the coffee and the naps were because you had no energy to keep me moving. You did everything you could to stop me moving and I did everything I could to keep you going.

 

I forced you to move over 10,000 steps a day and if I didn’t I would drag you outside come rain or shine until you did. I forced you to never miss a gym session no matter how busy, how ill or how inconvenient for my friends or family. I would force you to miss time with family to make you run off those calories you ate, miss meals out with friends unless you could have chicken and veg and miss out on delicious deserts you were so badly craving in a bid to get abs. But the abs never came did they? Because you didn’t even have enough energy to keep me awake for the whole day, let alone build muscle.

 

I’m sorry for the time I gave you so much protein in a bid ‘to gain muscle’ through eggs every day, protein shakes, lots of low fat dairy and lots of meat. I’m sorry that you now cant process dairy and you have difficulty digesting foods now. I’m sorry you’re now so sensitive and the gut is now easily irritated because I was so convinced that fats and carbs were bad.

 

I’m sorry that the lack of carbs and fats meant you couldn’t function to give me my period, to keep my mood ok and my hormones balanced. I’m sorry you had to run on adrenaline and caffeine just to keep going.

 

I’m sorry that I blamed you every time I looked in the mirror that you weren’t the way I wanted you to look. The dull skin, hair falling out and brittle nails, I blamed you for not giving me what I wanted to see when I looked in the mirror – only now do I realise the lack of micronutrients from fruit and veg caused this, the lack of calories caused this and the lack of carbs for energy and fats for hormones caused this. I’m sorry that when I got so sick of not seeing what I wanted I would force you to consume endless amounts of chocolate and alcohol on a binge and then moan when I took ages to recover simple because you struggled to process the sudden binge.

 

I’m sorry for the lack of rest, for forcing you to complete high intensity workouts putting you under more stress. I’m sorry for focusing on calorie burn rather than celebrating your ability to move or your strength. I think cortisol, the stress hormone was most present leading you to not being able to switch off. I’m sorry that because of this waking up 3/4 times in the night was normal, jumping out of bed at 5am was normal pumped, wired and ready to go on adrenaline was normal, that the grinding of teeth was normal and the inability to switch off the mind was normal.

 

I’m sorry for the aches and pains you had to try get me to slow down and I’m sorry for ignoring them. I’m sorry for never stretching and looking after the muscles. I’m sorry for telling you if you weren’t sweating or out of breathe to do it again and for only being fueled by caffeine to complete such massive workouts.

 

I’m sorry that because of the lack of fuel you were always cold, right down to the bones. No amount of jumpers helped did it? Every day you were colder than the day before, every day you were fed less and if you went to bed growling at me with hunger then that was an accomplishment.

 

I’m sorry to you for making these choices and I’m sorry to my mind for making for the thoughts I had. I’m sorry to my mind and body for allowing myself to follow a stream of diet pages, promoting ways to eat less and move more. I’m sorry for the ruthless quotes saved on my phone, the endless ‘fitspos’ saved as my screen saver and the endless comparing to everyone on social media. I’m sorry for never letting you rest or switch off from the thoughts of food and calories. For constantly forcing you to think where and when your next bit of food will be, how you will enjoy something sweet without the calories and forcing you to look at pictures of food but never enjoying them. I’m sorry for every time I looked in the mirror the words I used to call you and I’m sorry for making you pretend everything was ok to everyone that loved you.

 

I’m sorry that it’s only now that I’m ready to say sorry and that while I can look back at my uni years and notice all the things that I did to you. I want you to know that now I am focusing on energy – no energy? That’s fine, lets rest you, feed you or hydrate you.

 

I want you to know that the thoughts and how I feel are my main priority – feeling low in self confidence? Remember what we’ve achieved and been through so far and my purpose in this life.

 

Comparing bodies with other girls? I promise to check I’m following only positive people on social media, to remember everyone is beautiful and accept you for you.

 

What about when it comes to fitness? I want to celebrate you, push you to become better at things and challenge you – but never completely exhaust you that you have to stop my period again.

 

Nutrition? I promise to listen you about what you need. Need carbs, sure hun. Extra calories because you’ve practicing #ProjectBecomeGoodAtShit? Absolutely. Want that desert? If it’s got dairy in we still need to be careful but if it’s without and you really want it, no worries.

 

That bottle of wine? Enjoy it and I’ll just give you some extra gut health support because although you might not accept it in every way… I know now that memories mean more than inches. That you mean more than the mirror. That your strength means more than the abs. That your thoughts mean more that your clothing size and that you mean more to me than what society tells us to be through that shitty diet culture that’s rammed down our throat every single damn day.

 

Dear body, I’m truly sorry and I promise to use you and your shitty experience to make a change to young girls and females. I promise to show the world how you are now you have the energy and I promise to use my experiences on how I used to treat you to create a bigger awareness of how the ‘healthy one’ might need a little help and guidance. That the one into fitness may be fighting a battle no one knows about and why fitspo might not be that inspiring after all.

 

Let’s make a change but this time together, not against each other.

 

Chlo xxxxx

 

Don’t forget to come say on Instagram, im currently on #ProjectBecomeGoodAtShit & #ProjectHealthyAdventurer – @chlohodgkinson 

 

[amazon_link asins=’1785041320,1781807124,B07J63YC4M,0340733500,0743409388,0241303559,0241317940,1473661765′ template=’ProductCarousel’ store=’hlohodgkinson-21′ marketplace=’UK’ link_id=’e49b562f-e7f1-11e8-9a6b-bd117d358d9d’]

[amazon_link asins=’B071GYR8YQ,B01M5FR48W,B078BC2WYW,B01N38F41G,B06WD6HF2T,B072MD9QHL’ template=’ProductCarousel’ store=’hlohodgkinson-21′ marketplace=’UK’ link_id=’1f81769e-e7f2-11e8-80fb-8d9f56c250de’]

 

Project Become Good at Shit

 

How I prep for ‘Project Become Good at Shit’

If you follow me on Insta you may have seen im currently going through project become good at shit. To put it simply, Im now training to become better at things, that includes speed and strength.

 

Here’s a few things I mean:

 

  • Ran another half marathon, I did this as Penelope Pitstop
  • Learn to do a handstand, pending without a wall
  • Learn to do more calisthenics moves, pending…
  • Increase speed, achieved through plyometric work

 

& I get so many questions asking me how im doing this, so here goes:

 

  • I got a personal trainer, to become good at something you need to learn from someone that’s a master… enter Adonis my new PT

 

  • I’m eating more & focusing more on my nutrition, think increased cals due to an increase demand for my body

 

  • I supplement, im still trying to get my period back so magnesium, Maca & pro-biotics are a must.

 

 

  • I’m using more sports nutrition products – think Whey Box vegan protein, electrolytes & hydro-melon to help me on long distance runs or really intense sessions.

unnamed.pngvegan_protein_range.png

 

  • My sleep is more important than ever, below 7 hours and don’t speak to me

 

  • My pip and nut obsession has gotten a bit out of hand, im averaging on 60g a day… is that weird? Have you see their new flavour?

4-1-600x600.png

  • Im attempting to find more balance & listening to my body – I only train max 5 days a week with 2 complete rest days now where I literally do nothing. Probably hungover.

 

lol..

 

8 Thing I learnt Since I Decided to Live My Best Life

Screen Shot 2018-03-18 at 15.43.28.png

*ALERT DEEP SHIT ABOUT.TO.GO.DOWN.*

Making changes is bloody hard, I’m waiting to meet someone that genuinely loves change because it can be really scary. In the past few months alone I feel like I’ve learnt so much about myself, my mindset and the energy around me – from reading to visiting my shaman or chats to my step dad or  even situations with friends that I’ve been in and while sat on a plane reflecting on it, I really want to share with you what I’ve learnt and hopefully you can take something from it.

1) I’m the only person that has to live this life.

Every decision I make is mine. I chose whether I go left or right, love or hate, say yes or no and that’s my biggest power. It took me years to realise that I shape my own destiny, my choices are mine and nothing is for definite if I don’t want it to be. I have the right & the opportunity to change anything I’m not happy with. We don’t have to just settle.

2) I create my own opportunities.

I found myself looking at successful people thinking ‘ ah right place, right time’ or ‘how do they do that?’

I was lucky in that I found my industry and what I loved while at uni, I started working and didn’t really have to worry about the money, again very grateful and lucky that I was in that position.

I loved what I did but I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I had no clue where on earth I actually wanted to be either.

I kept going for just under a year and suddenly a job position came to me. It’s only been 2 weeks into my new job as a producer but I swear to god I actually thought someone was pranking me and pinched myself when I realised I got paid to do the work that i’m doing.

I don’t want this to be a post of bragging about how happy I am or a reflection that I haven’t been happy – I’ve always been happy, I’ve just learnt a lot recently.

My aim for this post is be sharing with you what I have learnt and any tips… so,

enjoy the ride and enjoy the journey of grafting even more…

oh & be careful what you say on social media, you never know who’s watching

(it’s more of less how I got my job)

3) I can find an opportunity in every situation.

If something goes wrong, there is always an opportunity lying around there somewhere.

Whether it’s something I’ve learnt or something I’ve got to do, it’s still an opportunity. In a shit situation, I now TRY looking for the lesson that could be learned from it, trying to take something from every situation – every cloud & all that.

I’m trying to use it to learn something more about myself.

e.g you ate an olive when ordering a mediterranean platter, hated it – lesson? Ask for it without olives next time.

Ok na that’s a silly example but do you see my point? I hope so – I’m trying not to give too many examples because I’ll end up making them way to personal….lololololol. Must.remember.anyone.can.read.this. lol. FYI I love olives. & I’ll eat yours too.

4) Sometimes I’ve got to take a step back before I go forward.

Some would say I actually had it all, relationship, very good job, money, family and friends yet when you spoke to me I was exhausted, not that interested in anything outside of my bubble, miserable and not because of anything in particular.

In the past few months I’ve made some huge changes, and as much as I’ve always loved my life, it’s clear now that making the changes was right for me. It took me a long time to take a step back and look at it from the outside.

Personal Training wasn’t my initial career choice, I knew I wanted to help people but one to one training limits how many people I can reach. I need more, I just wasn’t entirely sure what the more was.

I felt trapped and ‘ordinary’ on a path some would say ‘i should be on’ and for someone like me that lives a little dream in their heads most of the time, often, to move forward you have to let go of the past…

then my new job opportunity came around.

5) Your vibe attracts your tribe, but you still have to be careful who you let pass the initiation.

If you’re a regular watcher/reader of me you’d know I’m massively into energy whether it’s chakras or simply mindset. I am a huge believer that your vibe does attract your tribe as well as your opportunities (see para above if you’re a skimmer).

I try to Give off good energy by working on myself and my own mindset and  I’ve found that better energy comes with it….

But I’d still assess any situation, sometimes I confuse people with having good energy when actually they are energy demons (suck your energy out of you).

Your good energy may attract people but try to make sure you’re investing your time in people with similar or better energy than you – stay mindful of who you let in your energy circles… oh my god y am I such a hippie.

6) Kill them with kindness

When things get tough or our egos bruised it’s often a lot easier to turn the hurt into hatred.

I’ve actually found that forgiveness works a whole lot better

– it’s nothing to do with them but more for ourselves. When I am able to forgive those that had maybe done wrong suddenly my whole mindset shifts and it’s a bit like nothing is holding me down anymore.

At times where I’ve put people down just to make myself feel better it learnt that it doesn’t actually work, it tends to weigh me down more as I’m focused on what I don’t like rather than what I love.

So if you’re reading this and you’ve ever upset me or done wrong, I honestly forgive you, wish you all the best & I hope if I’ve ever done you wrong, you can forgive me too.

7) Gratitude is key

Jesus sweet Mary. This is something my stepdad over the years has tried to cover with me but I ‘hadn’t been ready’. I never knew what he meant by this until I was in fact ready. He told me to say things I was grateful for, I tried it – didn’t get it, left it.

What I’ve found is if we can be truly truly grateful you can’t help but smile.

It doesn’t have to be massive, it could be something like right now ‘im grateful for the fact I’m have my fingers to type away to share what’ve learnt’ or it could be bigger like ‘im so grateful that I have the most supportive friends and family I could ever imagine’.

I get it, this sounds so pretentious and lardy farty but please just try to say 3 things you’re grateful for each day, just to yourself or write them down – keep going and then try not to smile.

Here’s mine today:

1) I’m grateful to my family and friends for supporting me in every opportunity and crazy idea, thought or thing I’ve ever had – shout out to Chloe United (if you know, you know, you know?)

2) I’m grateful to Pro:Direct for taking a chance on me to be their producer for their new launch – I feel stupidly honoured – especially to Jonny for approaching me about it, ya ledge, I owe ya a pint. Or 5.

3) I’m grateful to social media for giving me the opportunities I have been given recently – special shout out to Instagram ma main boy, peace n love.

8) Not everyone is out to prank you

Ha lol. This comes down to the mindset part that still needs a bit of work. If you haven’t read into it before then I strongly recommend looking into ‘Growth and Fixed mindset’.

(my stepdad will probably ask me to tell you to please don’t confuse this with positivity and negativity, it’s actually ok not feel positive while having a growth mindset.)

  – or just contact mark and get him to give you a brief.

To sum up quickly a growth mindset is where you believe your talents are not fixed, you can grow as a person e.g ‘No one in my family has made it in football, but I will graft and believe I can’… A fixed mindset is ‘No one in my family has ever been good at football, so I’m not.’ *apologies for the football references, please go with it).

The past few months I can honestly say have been amazing, I feel like I’m in a bubble of happiness and growth yet I still regularly have moments where I think it could all come crashing down or someone is in fact pranking me and I’ll wake up from this dream in a moment

Mark spoke to me saying that this is signs of a fixed mindset where I’m not believing I deserve these opportunities. I’ll let you know on any developments for this one.

/

This blog post was 1000% not intentional to be bragging about how happy I am right now or implying I used to be unhappy – I certainly wasn’t unhappy, I just had grown. I feel in the past few months my head space and myself as a person has grown so much and I started all this social media shiz to share with you guys everything I learn on my way and this is something I just had to share.

I really am living my best life & hope these things I’ve learnt can help you live yours too.

Life iz gd.

Chlo x

5 Things I learnt in Jan

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 11.15.29

 

Im not invincible /

Ha this is a funny one, but it’s true. During Jan my gut flared up & my central nervious system kinda gave up in the first few weeks. I quickly jumped straight back into work and was working long hours & opting for quick easy foods which weren’t welcomed by my gut! I had to actively take some time to myself to work out exactly what I wanted.

My health means more to be than I first realised /

Jan I spent a lot of the time trying to juggle with being a ‘fun 21 year old’ & with what’s important to me. I drank over my birthday & ate some foods that irritated me but I can hand on heart tell you guys now there is nothing better than when you feel good in yourself and for me, I feel good when i’m at my healthiest. We think because 90% of the time I am so healthy that when I give myself something not-so-healthy that my body struggles to cope with it – feb goal? Health first, social expectations last.

Self Care is tough but important /

It’s actually really tough to put self care as a front priority especially when life is so busy. I sometimes found myself stressing about fitting in my bath for christ sake! haha.

I absorb other peoples energy /

My biggest one is that I often let how other people feel dictate how I feel. To reduce this I am starting to practise more mindfulness and working on my chakras – lol im turning all hippie. My biggest chakra blockage tends to be my heart and that’s for a variety of reasons but it means I find it difficult to let people in… so this feb i’ll be working on keeping love.

I’ve achieved so much while I was 21 /

Jan alone I had so many opportunities and while some were extremely overwhelming, it did mean I was able to reflect on what I have achieved the past year. On my birthday at the end of the month I looked back over the year & suddenly had an overwhelming shock and gratitude flood through me… here are just some:

  • I became stronger as a person than ever before
  • I was able to stick to promises I had made myself
  • I graduated with 1st class degree while training to be a person trainer
  • I’ve booked to see the world
  • I’ve started my own business & it’s growing…

 

What did you learn in jan?

Chlo xxx