I haven’t written like this in ages. I haven’t known what to say. I felt I didn’t actually have a anything to say. Even writing this sentence I still feel like i don’t.
I’m in the mist of imposters syndrome at the moment and after listening to Steven Barlett’s podcast on how if you have imposters syndrome is to simply just start. Just do it. Force yourself to just do it.
So here I am forcing myself. Forcing myself to share my journey because I want to help others. So, I guess it’s probably a good start to start with where i’ve been.
I guess its strange to talk like this because I love writing but I kinda feel like an imposter because i’ve changed so so much from some of these posts from when I first started this website.
I was a fitness addict verging on eating disorder thinking that this way of life was the only way of life that everyone should lead. I judged. I felt I was living the perfect lifestyle but I was actually one of the most unhappiest i’ve been.
I can already feel this bringing up emotions i’ve squashed for a few years. Eeek. But as Brene Brown says there is power in vulnerability and I want to share this kind of stuff in hope it really helps people, because how I feel about myself now is miles from how I used too. I guess I feel like i’m writing a guest post on someone else’s website – it’s definitely time for a refresh.
Anyway, yeah, so I judged. On the outside I looked like I had my shit together. On the inside I was hating my body, I was exhausted, destroying relationships and blaming others for things going wrong.
It’s a really strange feeling when you come out the other side of things isn’t it? It’s really fudging uncomfortable to call yourself out on your own shit.
I blamed everyone else for anything that went wrong. I was exhausted of just about everything. Even when things were going fine i’d self sabotage.
I keep seeing the quote ‘it take a strong person to call themselves out on their own shit’ and while thats what I keep telling myself when you realise some stuff it doesn’t half make you feel like a twat lol.
So let’s go back to being a full time PT. I’d be called miserable, because I was. I’d cause an issue about where to go out to eat or at meals in a bid to try eat the lowest calorie food possible. Trying to hold a normal conversation, even over dinner was near enough impossible because I was already having a full blown row in my own head.
I’d want to do something but could only do it if i’d been to the gym and would need to hit my 10,000 steps.
I’d want to eat what I wanted without allowing myself to eat what I wanted.
I wanted to be able to love but couldn’t let myself even love myself.
I wanted my dream career but didn’t have the energy to show up to put the work in.
I wanted my dream body but was starving the one I had.
I was preaching fitness and health while probably being one of my most unhealthiest.
In a bid to perfect, I was destroying what’s around me.
Some days I couldn’t even bring myself to smile.
I talk a lot about law of attraction and when looking back, law of attraction was playing just how it does. I hated myself, so received more negativity. I was so out of alignment to my true self that I destroying things around me.
All without anyone really noticing. I was good at hiding, good at blaming on other things, had great excuses and let ‘the healthy gym goer’ label take centre stage masking everything else.
I haven’t got to where I’d like to be. I still suffer from amenorrhea (lack of a period) from how I treated my body. I still often over work myself, exhaust myself and under fuel myself. I’m still not 100% of emotions that crop up. But I do look in the mirror and love the body i’m in. I do wake up every morning and do my morning gratitude and affirmations. I do manifest amazing things into my life. I do find a positive in pretty much every situation. I’m motivated and want to do some good in the world. I genuinely wake up every morning excited about life, liking who I am.
So while I might not be where I want to be. I am finally aware of how I used to be.
ahhhh its good to be back. I think these kinda posts are going to be featured more on here. It’s like having a convo with myself but exposing it, in hope that it helps others.
nervous to post this.
‘felt cute, might delete later’
omg just post it